keep me in this state. please leave me purgatorying...

k, so here's the skivvy...
1:  List 10 things you want to say to people, but know you never will.
2:  Don't say who they're about.

ONE:  a lot of times i wish you'd show more affection for me.  i know that things happened in our past, and i know that in a lot of ways, my move to michigan set us way back, but i'm here now.  i'm back.  i am right here beside you screaming inside because i know you'll never understand.  and maybe i won't either.  and i guess one of the things i'll never understand is why we can't just put it behind us and be happy and one and in love.

TWO:  i wish i could be a bigger part of your life.  i wish we could get together more and talk and share and be precious together.  i love that we're so different, but i wish i was more like you all the time...  i wish i was smart like you.  i wish i could write and draw and create like you.  i wish i could be free like you are.  and most of all, a lot of times, i wish we could be together...  but i feel so stuck.  i feel so trapped sometimes and i know it hinders our relationship.  and i'm so sorry for that.

THREE:  i hope your ribs heal soon...  i can't believe how quickly life can change.  it had only been ten or fifteen minutes between our phone calls and all of a sudden, BAM!!  it made me realize how fast things come at us in this life.  it made me think about how much i care for you and how much i wish i could be out there with you to take care of you.  i know i never said it, i know i never really showed it, but i love you.  i always have and you will always hold a special place in my heart.  forever....

FOUR:  sometimes i feel like i could go weeks without calling you and that would be okay..   sometimes when we talk, i get so annoyed and sometimes i just want to hang up.  i feel like you don't know me and like you never really have.  i still hate how you've treated him.  i still hate how you both did.  he is the biggest part of my life and has been for four years (to the day, by the way).  he is more of a man than you'll ever know and he deserves more respect than you show him.  some day he will be the father of my children.  some day he will be more of a father than any of the ones i had and i am so excited for it to happen.  i proved you wrong.  i am happy.  i am whole with him.  and i wish you'd just suck it up and admit you were wrong.

FIVE:  thanks for nothing...  i'll see you in hell.

SIX:  i miss you guys so much and can't believe i'm missing out on the three of you growing up.  i'm sorry if i was a bad sister.  i'm sorry i'm so far away.  but maybe some day you guys can come out here for a visit. 

SEVEN:  i saw what you did that night...  i saw you tear apart that ceiling fan when i snuck upstairs to find out what was going on.  i saw you rip off a fan blade and beat the rest of the fan with it.  i heard you yelling and i heard a lot of what you said.  and i'm pretty sure that was one of the most terrifiying nights i've ever been through... i was getting ready to tell the boys we were gonna sneak out the window and go to the neighbor's house to call the cops...  and that's just the beginning...  so,  i can't handle talking to you yet...  but maybe i'll get there some day...  i guess we'll just have to see how it goes...  and p.s.  i'm not coming to vegas to meet you...  and i probably won't be calling any time soon...  sorry.

EIGHT:  i'm not afraid of you any more...  i used to sing along with alanis when she said "soon i'll grow up and i won't even flinch at your name."  i thought i'd never reach this point, but now i have and it feels great.  i hope life is treating you as well as it's been treating me lately.

NINE:  some times i think i've underestimated you.  i've never given you the chance you deserve to shine and be heard and i'm sorry...  but maybe it's not too late?  ...  i will try to fix you.

TEN:  i guess i never really knew you...  but some how, now that i haven't been to church in just about two years or so, i feel closer now to your divinity than ever before.  my ideas about you are changing...  my ideas about life are changing...  and it feels pretty great...  i'm a big fan even though i haven't read all your books...  thanks for watching out for me.